Exploring Core Emotions, Authentic Self-Discovery, And Transformative Psychotherapy
Hilary Jacobs Hendel discusses her Change Triangle tool, emotional well-being, and overcoming anxiety and depression through reconnecting with core emotions and embracing authenticity.
Hilary Jacobs Hendel, a distinguished psychotherapist and author, has dedicated her career to helping individuals navigate the complexities of their emotions. With a background in biochemistry and social work, Hendel brings a unique, science-based approach to mental health, challenging conventional methods and offering transformative tools for emotional well-being. Her acclaimed book, It’s Not Always Depression, has resonated globally, providing readers with practical strategies to reconnect with their core emotions and authentic selves. Now, with her upcoming release, Parents Have Feelings, Too, she continues to shed light on the emotional landscapes of parenthood, offering guidance for fostering deeper connections within families.
In this exclusive interview for Reader’s House Magazine, Hendel shares the inspiration behind her groundbreaking Change Triangle tool, a compass for emotional health that has transformed countless lives. She recounts poignant stories from her practice, illustrating the profound impact of reconnecting with suppressed emotions. Hendel also addresses the societal misconceptions surrounding emotional health, the challenges posed by modern technology, and the steps individuals can take to embrace their authentic selves. For aspiring authors in the field of emotional well-being, she offers invaluable advice, emphasising the importance of grounding work in both neuroscience and clinical practice.
Hilary Jacobs Hendel’s insights are not only enlightening but also deeply empowering, reminding us that understanding and honouring our emotions is the key to living a fulfilled and authentic life.
What inspired you to develop The Change Triangle as a tool for understanding emotions?
I first saw the Change Triangle in 2004 after my high school friend had recommended I hear Diana Fosha, PHD, the developer of AEDP, a new emotion- and attachment-centered method of psychotherapy, present on her work. As soon as Dr. Fosha showed us a slide of the “triangle of experience,” the AEDP clinical name for the Change Triangle, I immediately understood myself in whole new way. I was blown away and experienced many epiphanies and insights into my anxiety and past depressive episodes.
At that point, I asked myself, “Why wasn’t I taught this information on emotions in high school? It would have been so helpful to me as both a human and as a young parent.”
After that conference on trauma, emotions, and attachment, I knew I’d continue to study AEDP. I became certified in AEDP (and simultaneously got certified in psychoanalysis).
After practicing AEDP for ten years and helping many people who didn’t heal from more conventional methods like CBT and psychoanalytic psychotherapy, my pet peeve that I didn’t get any emotions education turned into a moral outrage. I felt moved to write an op-ed piece for the New York Times. That article was published and went viral and that’s when I got asked to write a book by Penguin Random House and Penguin UK. I decided to write a self-help book on the triangle which I adapted as a public health tool that I nicknamed “the Change Triangle.” It’s universally applicable and is a compass for tending to our emotions that no one should be without.
Can you share a particularly impactful story from your practice that illustrates the effectiveness of your approach?
Brian (a pseudonym) was referred to me when I first started my practice. He had suffered for years from an intractable depression for which he had been hospitalized. He had been through cognitive behavioral therapy, psychoanalytic psychotherapy, supportive therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy. He had tried several medication “cocktails,” each with a litany of side effects that made them virtually intolerable. They had been ineffective anyway. The next step was electroshock therapy, which Brian did not want.
When he first came to see me, Brian was practically in a comatose state. He could barely bring himself to speak, and his voice, when I managed to get anything out of him, was meek. His body was rigid, his facial expression blank. He couldn’t look me in the eye. Yes, he seemed extremely depressed. But knowing he had been treated for depression for years without good results, I wondered about the diagnosis.
Based on what he told me, I decided to treat him as a survivor of childhood neglect — a form of trauma. Even when two parents live under the same roof and provide the basics of care like food, shelter and physical safety, as Brian’s parents had, the child can be neglected if the parents do not bond emotionally with him.
This I suspected was the case with Brian. He told me that his parents were both “preoccupied” with the heavy burdens of a family that “could barely make ends meet.” While his mother never called herself an alcoholic, she drank to excess, and his father was often emotionally checked out as well. Brian had few memories of being held, comforted, played with or asked how we was doing.
One innate response to this type of environment is for the child to develop chronic shame. He interprets his distress, which is caused by his emotional aloneness, as a personal flaw. He blames himself for what he is feeling and concludes that there must be something wrong with him. This all happens unconsciously. For the child, shaming himself is less terrifying than accepting that his caregivers can’t be counted on for comfort or connection.
Many psychotherapies focus on the content of the stories that people tell about themselves, looking for insights that can be used to fix what’s wrong. By contrast, AEDP focuses on fostering awareness of the emotional life of the patient as it unfolds in real time in front of the therapist. The therapist is actively affirming, emotionally engaged and supportive. She encourages the patient to attend not only to his thoughts and emotions but also to the physical experience of those thoughts and emotions.
Brian and I worked together twice a week for four years. One by one, he learned to name his feelings and to listen to them with care and compassion. When he did feel the urge to “squash himself down,” he knew what was happening and how to manage the experience. He learned to express his feelings and assert his needs and wants. He took risks, made more friends and engaged in meaningful work. There were no more hospitalizations. His shame dissipated. Most important, he felt alive again.
How do you believe modern technology has influenced our relationship with emotions and self-expression?
That I am not qualified to speak about. I only know that our “pick yourself by your bootstraps” culture and “I think therefore I am” ideology has led to the ignoring of the science of emotions and created a void in our society where emotions education should be. I do think modern technology has contributed to the epidemic of loneliness as we retreat into our phones instead of each other.
In your opinion, what are the most common misconceptions people have about their emotions?
Most people still think that emotions can be stopped or prevented by sheer will, grit, and strength of character. But that’s a myth because core emotions are survival programs that are not under conscious control. They exist to make our body move in ways that are adaptive for survival. All we can control is how we respond to our emotions once they are ignited in the limbic system of the brain. For example, if we are insulted, we can’t prevent ourselves from having anger. However, we can control whether we attack the person who hurt us. Also the root of anxiety and depression is often avoided core emotions. Most people still don’t know that and therefore never have the opportunity to heal.
How can individuals begin to reconnect with their core emotions when they feel overwhelmed or disconnected?
First, people must stop judging their emotions and know that core emotions just are –neither good nor bad – just data on how our environment is affecting us. Second, they must learn tools and techniques (like I show in my books) to safely tune into the body to name, validate, listen to, and fully experience the full wave of each core emotion a person is experiencing.
What advice would you give to someone struggling to embrace their authentic self?
Core emotions are the doorway to the authentic self. And the Change Triangle is the map to moving over our protective defenses and getting beneath our inhibitory emotions (anxiety, guilt, and shame) to find our core emotions.
My advice for someone struggling to embrace their authentic self would be to checkout the visual of the Change Triangle then practice working it. In It’s Not Always Depression and Parents Have Feelings, Too I teach specific techniques to connect with our authentic self. It’s a life-long practice that also reaps immediate benefits.
What suggestions do you have for other authors looking to write about emotional well-being and psychotherapy?
Study emotions neuroscientists like Antonio Damaso, Jaak Panksepp, Bud Craig, Paul Eckman, Dan Siegel, and Sylvan Tompkins. And clinicians like Diana Fosha, Peter Levine, Donald Nathanson, and Leigh McCullough. There are many more affective neuroscientists to learn from.
