Overcoming Trauma and Reclaiming Your Life
Beverly Engel, a renowned psychotherapist and author, discusses emotional abuse, trauma recovery, and self-compassion, offering profound insights into recognising abuse, breaking free, and healing through self-awareness, empowerment, and personal transformation.
Beverly Engel stands as one of the most influential voices in the field of trauma recovery, emotional abuse, and self-empowerment. With an extensive career spanning over 35 years as a psychotherapist, she has not only guided countless individuals toward healing but has also shaped public awareness through her insightful books and media presence. Her prolific body of work—27 groundbreaking books, including Put Your Past in the Past: Why You May Be Reenacting Your Trauma and How to Stop It—has provided a lifeline to survivors seeking understanding, validation, and a path forward.
Engel’s contributions go far beyond the written word. She has been a steadfast advocate for victims of emotional and psychological abuse, shedding light on the often-overlooked impact of these experiences. Her expertise has been sought after by major platforms such as The Oprah Winfrey Show, CNN, The Washington Post, and The Los Angeles Times, demonstrating the significance of her insights in both clinical and mainstream discussions.
In this exclusive interview, Engel shares her personal journey, the driving force behind her work, and the profound importance of self-compassion in healing from trauma. Her wisdom, drawn from both personal experience and professional expertise, serves as an essential guide for those seeking to reclaim their lives. We are honoured to feature her in Reader’s House magazine, offering our readers a rare and invaluable opportunity to learn from one of the foremost authorities in the field.
What inspired you to specialize in writing about emotional abuse, trauma and recovery.
Originally, what inspired me was my own traumatic childhood (I was emotionally abused, neglected and sexually abused). As is typical of many psychotherapists, I had a need to heal myself.
How do you approach the challenge of helping victims recognize and break free from emotionally abusive relationships?
I begin by helping clients face the fact that they are being mistreated. Typically, victims make excuses for their partner’s behavior or they blame themselves for the problems in the relationship. For example, many clients come into therapy wanting me to help “fix” them due to the complaints of their partners: “My husband tells me that I’m lazy. The house is always a mess and I never have dinner on the table when he gets home.” Upon further questioning it turns out that the client is not lazy at all. Instead she is overwhelmed with the needs of her four young children. She tries to have dinner on the table when her husband gets home but he isn’t consistent. Sometimes he comes home right after work and other times he goes to the bar with his work buddies and doesn’t come home until late. She’s tried putting his dinner in the oven to keep it warm but he complains that the food doesn’t taste good and is all dried out. As it is in many cases, the problem is not her—it is her husband. He has no empathy for her and how much she struggles with four children, he is demanding, is never pleased, and constantly looks for something to criticize her about. In other words, he is being emotionally abusive toward her. (While the majority of emotional abuse victims are female, males are increasingly reporting being a victim of emotional abuse but are ashamed to report it).
Once a client becomes aware that she is being emotionally abused, I encourage her to express her emotions (anger, fear, sadness). This can be extremely freeing and can help her re-connect with herself emotionally. We then talk about whether she was abused in childhood and if so, what the effects of this abuse had on her self-esteem and the ability to choose a healthy partner. This information often reveals some unresolved shame and other patterns (i.e. the repetition compulsion). We then explore her next steps (whether she is able and willing to confront her partner and if not, what are her reasons for staying in the relationship). If she chooses to leave we focus on how she can get strong enough to do so.
Your books provide step-by-step recovery programs—what do you think is the most crucial first step to healing.
The first step is always helping the client to face the truth about their situation. Emotional abuse is one of the most difficult types of abuse to identify because it is so hidden, insidious and confusing. The damage caused by emotional abuse, while significant, can occur so slowly that the victim hardly notices it at first. Like the abuse itself, the damage can be so subtle that it is easy for the victim to minimize it, deny it, or believe they are imagining it.
How has your own personal experience influenced your work as a therapist and author.
In addition to being emotionally abused as a child I also had an extremely compassionate therapist for five years who helped me to not only heal but who provided me with profound wisdom that I, in turn, wanted to share with other victims and survivors.
What common misconceptions do people have about emotional abuse and how can they be addressed.
Until recently victims were accused of making it up or making too big a deal out of normal relationship or marital problems. More recently, emotional abuse has become more widely discussed, so much in fact that terms like “gaslighting” have become popular. There is still the misconception that victims should be able to confront their abusive partner and/or walk away from an abusive relationship. We now understand that emotional abuse slowly wears away at a person’s self-concept and self-esteem until they no longer have the courage, nor the motivation to stand up for themselves. In addition, emotional abuse creates a great deal of confusion in a victim’s mind. Their abusive partner is often an expert in denying, making excuses, and turning things around on them. After years of this treatment most victims no longer trust their own memory, perceptions or their very sanity.
In your experience, what role does self-compassion play in overcoming shame and trauma.
Self-compassion is the antidote to shame. Self-compassion begins with honestly assessing the damage they have experienced and acknowledging their suffering. The more self-compassion a person can experience, the less they will be overcome with shame. Once a victim can gain compassion for their own suffering they will likely stop blaming themselves for things that are not their fault and they will judge themselves less harshly.
What advice would you give to aspiring authors who want to write about psychology, trauma, or self-help topics.
Because your readers may be suffering from PTSD, be aware that they may have difficulty comprehending difficult subjects. Therefore, write in easy to understand language, and break up difficult topics into smaller sections. You don’t want to overwhelm your readers with too many facts all at once. Also, be aware that when survivors read about trauma or abuse they can become triggered, meaning that they may be reminded of their past trauma and react by dissociating or suffering from panic attacks.
